How to support a grieving friend

When someone has suffered a loss, what do you say? What do you do? Find out the best ways to help, long after the funeral is over.

We know what NOT to say to someone grieving a loss, but now we’re at a complete loss for words. What do we say? What should we do? How on earth can we help during this difficult time? Here are some suggestions. One caveat though: everyone responds to grief differently. Situations vary. Needs differ. Some of these suggestions may not fit. Use your judgement.

First, keep it simple. Say “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” Leaving open space can be better than accidentally saying something hurtful while trying to fill the silence.

Image: What’s Your Grief

Next, give your friend explicit permission to talk about their loved one. Avoiding the subject for fear of creating additional pain doesn’t work. Your friend likely needs to talk, to vent, to reminisce. They might be afraid of losing control over their emotions, or bringing people down. Reassure them that you’re open to listening about anything and everything they need to purge from their mind. This opens up a space to process what they’re experiencing. Sharing memories of the deceased can be helpful too. If you know a story about your friend’s loved one that they don’t, it’s a gift you can give them.

Prepare to ride the emotional roller coaster.Your friend may exhibit all kinds of weird grief reactions. The thing is, it’s not weird at all. Sadness, depression, and crying are to be expected. There can also be guilt, shame, laughter, relief, rage, impatience, frustration, apathy, and a host of other unexpected feelings. Kids can express their grief with behavioral regressions or acting out. Do not take it personally if you’re sometimes a valued shoulder to cry on, and other times you’re ignored and unthanked. This isn’t about you. Grieving people are unwittingly selfish or oblivious. They are functioning in survival mode, and everything beyond that is just noise. Again, it’s not personal. Don’t get offended.

One of the most common phrases they’ll hear is “let me know if you need help.” Sure. When has anyone ever A) admitted to needing help and B) asked for and accepted help? “Call me if you need anything” is somewhat of an empty offer. It makes us feel good to say it. You’ve extended the offer of help, and now it’s in the other person’s hands. Just sit back and wait for them to call, which they probably won’t do. It’s overwhelming, and people are often reluctant to admit they need help.

Instead, make concrete offers. Does your friend need dishes washed (better yet, give them paper plates), laundry done, floors vacuumed, kids driven around, the dog taken to the vet, paperwork to be filed? If they’ve already got meals handled, they might not feel like putting a plate together and reheating it. Bring easy, no prep snacks for those times that they don’t have the heart to eat a meal. Make sure their tissues and toilet paper are well stocked. Take the little worries off their shoulders, if you can.

Your friend’s support will soon begin to disappear. There’s a flurry of activity immediately after the death. People come out of the woodwork to be there for the bereaved. After the funeral, however, those people go back to their regular lives. The disruption is over. Things return to normal. Now the griever is suddenly alone, unable to jump back into life as usual. This is an essential time to be present, either physically or emotionally.

Get out your planner or calendar. Write down intervals to check in on your friend. Note special dates, like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Set reminders on your phone to get in touch. Make an effort not to exclude them from anything, even if you’re positive they’ll decline the invitation. Keep inviting them. Send them random texts. Tell them they’re in your thoughts.

Grief is a journey without a strict timeline. That said, keep an eye on your friend and look for signs that they’re struggling longer than expected. Learn the differences between grief and depression (see below). Some people benefit from therapy, support groups, and other resources. Ask if they’d like you to find what’s available nearby. Help them with the research, or offer a ride or babysitting. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness. Make sure they know that.

Grief vs. depression (image from hrrv.org )

Sticking with a friend during the long haul of grief can be challenging and frustrating. Try to center your friend’s feelings (not your reactions) and follow their lead. Be there when they need you there, and give them space when they want to be alone. Some days they may focus on their loss, and other days, they may crave a distraction. Stay flexible. Expect setbacks, but look forward to better times. Take it slow. It’s worth the wait.