Don’t say these 7 things at a funeral
What do you say to someone who is grieving a loss? Not these things!
When a friend experiences a death, we instinctively want to offer help and support. The problem is, we don’t know how. Death and grief make us uncomfortable. Our fear of saying or doing the wrong thing creates a silent chasm between us and the griever, and we inadvertently withdraw the support they so desperately need.
What are the “wrong” things? Try to avoid sentiments like these.
“Don’t cry, be strong!” Why shouldn’t they cry? Crying can be an essential part of the grief process. It’s a release of emotion. Asserting that they need to be strong for the sake of others dumps a massive burden on their shoulders.
Anything blame-y or shame-y. Leave your judgement at the door. Regardless of whether the deceased brought their own death upon themselves, it’s not appropriate to bring it up.
“God wanted an angel, it’s God’s will, etc.” Even if your friend is religious and would ordinarily draw comfort from the Bible, read the room. Death can cause a person to doubt their faith or be angry at God. Others aren’t religious at all. Inserting your own religious beliefs here comforts YOU, not THEM.
Anything that minimizes the loss: he was old, you can have more kids, you’re young enough to remarry, it was just a pet. None of that matters to the griever. The death is enormous to them, and should be recognized as such.
“I know how you feel.” No. You don’t. Every death is different, every relationship is different, and every grief reaction is different. Now is not the time to compare and tally up who experienced the most significant loss. This is about their loss right now, not yours.
Anything time related: while it may be true that the intensity of grief diminishes over time, it’s difficult to comprehend that when the loss is so raw. There’s also no strict timeline for recovery either. It’s insensitive to imply that someone is moving through their grief journey too slowly. They don’t have to “get over it” just because you feel it’s time they moved on.
“At least he’s no longer suffering,” or “she’s in a better place.” Unless the griever says them first, avoid these phrases. It’s complicated for people to reconcile things like this with their profound sense of loss. There can be feelings of selfishness and guilt for wanting their loved one alive, knowing full well the pain and suffering they would be in.
These phrases and sentiments are said with good intentions, but many find them hurtful. They’re like a sucker punch to the gut for someone struggling with a recent loss. Grief reactions are not one size fits all however, so take this list with a grain of salt. If you’re not sure how a thought will be received, stay on the safe side with “when in doubt, leave it out.”
So…what should you say to a griever? Tune in next time to find out the best things to say and do to support a grieving friend.